So it’s been nearly two whole months drinking alcohol again and it has been odd to say the least. The privilege of drinking again was quite underwhelming at first, whereas the idea of going out and drinking socially actually made me quite fearful in the sense I worried I would re-live some of the horrors from the previous years… that my drunken alter ego would raise its BPD head and shatter all the healing that had started to take place.
Luckily this has not overly been the case but it has been a challenge. I do not ‘self-medicate’ with alcohol but none the less the fact is it’s a depressant and on the nights or days I have drunken too much it can trigger memories and emotions which can become overwhelming that bit quicker. It’s been a tough few months on a personal level anyway, I often feel like a child again as I attempt to rebuild my life from what I had destroyed of it or who I had become from it.
Even after my recent birthday I noticed I had become somewhat aware that some symptoms of my mental health were showing and proving to be worrying, which can happen around birthdays as from a young age when depression first took its grasp on me I wasn’t sure how many I would have in my future.
The temptation being in these moments of confusion and vulnerability to escape my feelings and I will hold my hands up I drank! But this time I did re-live the horror of my BPD, see alcohol or no alcohol when my BPD takes over it’s hard to define what is real and what is in my head, I describe it as my emotions being flames and they get so strong I feel as though I am being burnt alive.
So I didn’t see the warning signs! But I see where I may have gone wrong. Yes I fell down and I am embarrassed, ashamed and disappointed in myself (mostly because like many I’m my own worse critic) but the point being no matter how much or far we fall we can get back up, and until I start to stand again it’s good to remember drinking for whatever reason is not always the best idea, but surrounding yourself with those who care for you and being patient and kind with yourself is essential for moving forward.
As lets face it most if asked to answer honestly would admit they never really have it all together, so I for one am going to stop trying and just do the best I can.