ADD · adhd · anxiety · depression · help · men · mental health · reading · stigma

What is ADHD?

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So I have ADHD… it’s new and confusing but its official I have it, but what is it exactly?

Overview
Here is a quick overview of ADHD…
ADHD stands for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, a condition with symptoms such as inattentiveness, impulsivity, and hyperactivity. The symptoms differ from person to person. ADHD was formerly called ADD, or attention deficit disorder. Both children and adults can have ADHD, but the symptoms always begin in childhood.

The neurobiological basis of ADHD

What I found fascinating is ADHD is a neurologically based condition!

So a quick science lesson for you here… Image result for neurology adhd

* ADHD seems to involve impaired neurotransmitter activity in four functional regions of the brain:

Frontal cortex – This region orchestrates high-level functioning: maintaining attention, organization, and executive function. A deficiency of norepinephrine within this brain region might cause inattention, problems with organization, and/or impaired executive functioning.

Limbic system – This region, located deeper in the brain, regulates our emotions. A deficiency in this region might result in restlessness, inattention, or emotional volatility.

Basal ganglia – These neural circuits regulate communication within the brain. Information from all regions of the brain enters the basal ganglia, and is then relayed to the correct sites in the brain. A deficiency in the basal ganglia can cause information to “short-circuit,” resulting in inattention or impulsivity.

Reticular activating system – This is the major relay system among the many pathways that enter and leave the brain. A deficiency in the RAS can cause inattention, impulsivity, or hyperactivity.

These four regions interact with one another, so a deficiency in one region may cause a problem in one or more of the other regions. ADHD may be the result of problems in one or more of these regions.

Symptoms

Now the science part is over let’s talk about symptoms.

I am going to focus on the symptoms of adults with ADHD and here are the basic ones.

Adult ADHD symptoms may include:Image result for adhd symptoms

  • Impulsiveness
  • Disorganization and problems prioritizing
  • Poor time management skills
  • Problems focusing on a task
  • Trouble multitasking
  • Excessive activity or restlessness
  • Poor planning
  • People pleasing
  • Depression
  • Low frustration tolerance
  • Frequent mood swings
  • Problems following through and completing tasks
  • Hot temper
  • Trouble coping with stress
  • Bad memory

    Click here for more info on ADHD symptoms.

Now almost everyone has some symptoms similar to ADHD at some point in their lives. If your difficulties are recent or occurred only occasionally in the past, you probably don’t have ADHD. ADHD is diagnosed only when symptoms are severe enough to cause ongoing problems in more than one area of your life.

ADHD can also occur with other disorders as well some of these include:

Mood disorders – Many adults with ADHD also have depression, bipolar disorder or another mood disorder. While mood problems aren’t necessarily due directly to ADHD, a repeated pattern of failures and frustrations due to ADHD can worsen depression.

Anxiety disorders – Anxiety disorders occur fairly often in adults with ADHD. Anxiety disorders may cause overwhelming worry, nervousness and other symptoms. Anxiety can be made worse by the challenges and setbacks caused by ADHD.

Other psychiatric disorders – Adults with ADHD are at increased risk of other psychiatric disorders, such as personality disorders, intermittent explosive disorder and substance abuse.

Learning disabilities – Adults with ADHD may score lower on academic testing than would be expected for their age, intelligence and education. Learning disabilities can include problems with understanding and communicating.

So there you have it a quick summary of ADHD!

I have yet to discuss my journey into this diagnosis, but here are some facts on the disorder most of which I had NO idea about! I am still learning how all this affects me personally, but that’s another story for another day. For now I hope you come away reading this with a better understanding of what ADHD is and the realisation that it’s not all just about hyperactive boys in school but something that still affects many men and women into their adult life.

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ADD · adhd · anxiety · depression · help · mental health · stigma · support

The First Step.

new journey

How to start? Where to start?

From the very beginning?

No. As recently a new beginning has started for me…

A BPD diagnosis was a big part of my journey so far. Vicious cycles of meds, depression, self destruction, pain, confusion, CBT therapy, Group Therapy and Council Support.
But it always ended where it began, at the edge of a mental cliff.

So when another ‘bad period’ caught me somewhat off-guard I ended up having to take 5 weeks off work just to go through the system and be told by the NHS that there was a massive waiting list to see a councillor or a therapist, well due to this the conclusion was the time had come to go privately.

I chose someone local who specialised in a few things one being BPD, so to cut a long story short within 30 mins of the session I was asked ‘Has anyone ever told you that you might be ADHD?’
My initial reaction was to laugh, I mean isn’t that what mostly little boys had in childhood? I remember knowing a boy who had it and they were known to be the class clown or the trouble makers, I didn’t know girls could have it? Let alone in adulthood!?

From too young an age I have never had an ‘official’ diagnosis so Harley Street psychiatrist here we come! Another discussion of going over my past and eventually the conclusion? Signs of ADD mainly and ADHD. Who knew!?
I was started on meds which would confirm once and for all if this was my diagnosis. (How this works is the ‘fast release’ ADHD meds I was given only work on the brain of someone who does in fact have ADD.)
Well they worked, not miracles yet but they worked!

All this time, all this wondering, all this confusion and not feeling like I fit in… turns out all this time I was ADD??? 

This was not a diagnosis I took on lightly! I researched loads and turns out most symptoms of BPD are the same for ADHD, and the signs can be different in women. The more I learnt the more it all made sense!

So here starteth the new journey!

My therapist helped get me on this path, I worried it would be like all the ones before, but this time it’s not, it’s right, I can feel it. How can you work with or treat an illness when either you don’t know it’s there or you have been told you have something completely different?

So here is my new journey of the mind, you’ve read of my past, my research, my pain, my hope, my relationships, my fears and part of my story, but not of my future…

Now I believe I truly have a future join me in discovering and stepping forward for what feels like the first time in a long time in the right direction.

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anxiety · depression · mental health · paranoia · poetry · reading · spoken word · stigma

Empty Screens & Empty Faces

How do I discover my place in this life, where do I fit in?
All that I see in front of me does not gratify the burning need within.
Doomed to feel lonesome while the world continues online,
While here on the outside I find so little to truly call mine.
Who am I out here? Who am I to you?
A profile picture, a twitter account, or someone you can relate to…
I’m not trying to hate or judge nor attempting to offend,
But people seem less genuine in person now and that statement I will defend.
As who takes the time for coffee anymore?
Who looks up from their phone for a moment, to politely hold open the door?
When was the last time you had a date without using an app?
Or the last time you didn’t scroll through your phone when taking a nap?
Have we become powerless with our eyes always glued to a screen!
Missing out on the world around us questioning ‘what does this life really mean?’
The nation calls us zombies walking around like the ‘living dead’,
To get things off our chest, we don’t speak to one another but write a status instead.
Apparently they used to write letters taking the time to know what to say,
Now we just violently tap our phones shoving our feelings out there on display.
Imagine if we went back in time where all this technology didn’t exist,
I feel our relationships with people might be deeper and not so easily dismissed.
I know society doesn’t often allow it but why don’t we try to put our phones down,
Step out the front door and discover real life, not being concerned about others around.
Let’s go back to the basics of human nature and learn how to interact,
Discovering ourselves and the world once more without the internet to distract.
As life isn’t happening on those screens with no heartbeat or face,
It’s here and its surrounding you, so lift up your eyes and don’t let it go to waste.

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anxiety · bpd · depression · help · stigma · support

Drinking again…

So it’s been nearly two whole months drinking alcohol again and it has been odd to say the least. The privilege of drinking again was quite underwhelming at first, whereas the idea of going out and drinking socially actually made me quite fearful in the sense I worried I would re-live some of the horrors from the previous years… that my drunken alter ego would raise its BPD head and shatter all the healing that had started to take place.

Luckily this has not overly been the case but it has been a challenge. I do not ‘self-medicate’ with alcohol but none the less the fact is it’s a depressant and on the nights or days I have drunken too much it can trigger memories and emotions which can become overwhelming that bit quicker. It’s been a tough few months on a personal level anyway, I often feel like a child again as I attempt to rebuild my life from what I had destroyed of it or who I had become from it. Capture 2

Even after my recent birthday I noticed I had become somewhat aware that some symptoms of my mental health were showing and proving to be worrying, which can happen around birthdays as from a young age when depression first took its grasp on me I wasn’t sure how many I would have in my future.

The temptation being in these moments of confusion and vulnerability to escape my feelings and I will hold my hands up I drank! But this time I did re-live the horror of my BPD, see alcohol or no alcohol when my BPD takes over it’s hard to define what is real and what is in my head, I describe it as my emotions being flames and they get so strong I feel as though I am being burnt alive.

So I didn’t see the warning signs! But I see where I may have gone wrong. Yes I fell down and I am embarrassed, ashamed and disappointed in myself (mostly because like many I’m my own worse critic) but the point being no matter how much or far we fall we can get back up, and until I start to stand again it’s good to remember drinking for whatever reason is not always the best idea, but surrounding yourself with those who care for you and being patient and kind with yourself is essential for moving forward.

As lets face it most if asked to answer honestly would admit they never really have it all together, so I for one am going to stop trying and just do the best I can.

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anxiety · bpd · depression · grief · help · mental health · reading · stigma · suicide · support

Be kind to yourself

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The art of learning to be kind to yourself.

I don’t know if this is something too many people can relate to but it’s something through therapy such as CBT and MBT I was encouraged to learn to do. I don’t think I had a positive word to say about myself for so long and the way you view yourself, talk about yourself and maybe mentally talk to yourself really does define you in ways I had never really known.

Looking back is not something I’m fond of as though there has been good times my mind and body like to constantly remind me of the pain, the tragedies and what feels like my constant failings. So when I look back and see this bleak darkness it’s hard to move forward in good hope that things will be different. Here is where I am starting to discover the power of being kind to myself.

You know that feeling where you have promised yourself you are going to lose weight and get that body you have always known you could have but you just have never found the time to do it? So you set yourself a challenge and start doing the exercise, you change the diet and your lifestyle and you start to see the results which is great and this could happen for weeks or months then you relapse you have a week of pizza, booze and cake and in your mind that’s it you’ve ruined it all!
This is how I often feel about myself, this attempt to be perfect as I view myself as something resembling ‘damaged goods’ to redeem myself I must try to be perfect no room for mistakes, which when you have a mental health disorder is to put simply beyond unrealistic. I think that’s why I got so close to the edge I always fell short of my expectations for myself, not good enough, kind enough, intelligent enough, pretty enough, compassionate enough I could go on and I’m sure people can relate to this the guilt you feel when you get things wrong when you step over the boundaries you have put up to maintain that image of your ‘perfect self’. I am learning to be ok with not being perfect, of accepting my flaws and my often immature behaviour or stupid impulsive decisions, but being kind to myself is like re-wiring my whole brain I just haven’t done it in so long it’s alien to me.

A few moments in my guilt ridden mind is hard to explain so to share with you a scenario of a night out drinking where I got far too drunk and had to miss work the next day, at first something resembling a panic attack starts to happen head spins into a blurry mess, palms sweating and heart pounding ‘fight or flight’ is very much at work here. My mind screaming things like ‘you will never get better’, ‘permanently a screw up’, ‘you ruin every good thing you have’, ‘that suicide idea was probably your best decision yet to bad you screwed that up too’, ‘everyone hates you’, ‘this is all you are worth’. A few moments of tackling these thoughts feels like going a few rounds in a boxing ring with Mark Tyson and being beaten to a pulp, leaving me with barely any energy to move let alone attempt to battle each one of these thoughts.

There is a temptation to look for confirmation from others when in this state, to have them tell you that ‘You’ve done nothing wrong’ or ‘Don’t beat yourself up about it’ a desperate need for comfort as I cannot find any within myself. But recently I’m trying to change that… not many people know a few things about me, one being I am a Christian and my faith is probably well more honestly definitely the only reason I’m still here, but it’s no walk in the park, no comfort at times but it does remind me I cannot be perfect and should not expect myself to be, if you believe in God or not we cannot be all knowing and any attempt or expectation to be means we will always fall short.

It’s ok to make mistakes, it’s human to get things wrong, it’s even human to hurt people if it be intentionally or not, we cannot control others thoughts or feelings anymore than we can attempt to control our own. Often my biggest achievements have occasionally come from selfish intentions, and my biggest mistakes from my greatest intentions. That’s life, that’s normal and that truly is ok. Even writing these words brings some comfort to me, to tell myself ‘it will all be ok’ and not hoping to hear it from others brings a peace, brings space to open up the door to more possibilities where I wont view myself as a good for nothing failure.  

The whole reason I wanted to write this post is vaguely to get it off my chest to declare it to the ‘blogging world’ and make my peace with it, but also as I know there are people out there who must do this too and I’m probably too comfortable with myself being treated like dirt but am far from comfortable with the idea that others do this to themselves. So to be an example I will say a few things to myself I know to be true, but in my heart of hearts I still have a fair way to go before I start believing but that doesn’t mean they are not true, and these are as true for me as they are for you, ‘It’s ok to make mistakes’, ‘I am worthy of love and peoples time’, ‘I am beautiful inside and out’, ‘I am not a bad person’, ‘My life means something and is important’, ‘I am loved’, ‘I deserve peace’. I think that’s all I can about manage for now as even writing them I feel the stir of something uncomfortable within me awkwardly stirring in disbelief as I say them to myself internally, but I must learn and will learn life is no walk in the park and being kind to yourself is so important to get you through all those tough times.

So lets make a decision to choose to think good of ourselves even when it feels like the most impossible thing to do.

anxiety · depression · help · mental health · news · reading · stigma · support

Anxiety Disorders

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Warning Signs That Anxiety is a Disorder

Most people experience some form of anxiety in their lives. In most cases, anxiety is a normal human response to stressful situations. Periods of anxiety can help people suppress pain and often acts as a signal that danger is near. However, excessive anxiety can lead to an unhealthy response that turns into a disorder. 

For some people, anxiety interferes with their ability to function on a day-to-day basis. Daily routines that were once normal now feel like a heavy burden that takes an enormous amount of effort to complete. Excessive anxiety puts an immense amount of strain on a person’s body and some studies indicate it can lead to an increased risk of stroke, cardiac arrest, or heart disease. When struggle with anxiety, people suffer from emotional instability and an inability to form and maintain personal relationships. 

Anxiety Disorders- Signs of a Larger Problem

Clear cut evidence does not exist that shows why some people suffer from excessive anxiety. What mental health professionals do know is warning signs do exist that often signal a person’s excessive anxiety is, in fact, a disorder. The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services classifies five major types of anxiety disorders:

General Anxiety Disorder– Classified as chronic anxiety, the characteristics of this disorder include exaggerated worry and extreme tension with no clear reason provoking the anxiety. 
• Panic Disorder- People who suffer from panic disorders feel immediate and intense fear followed by physical ailments such as chest pain, excessive sweating and shortness of breath. 
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder– Known as OCD, the symptoms of this disorder include repetitive, unhealthy behaviors coupled with recurrent, unwanted thoughts. Many people who suffer from OCD will excessively wash their hands or clean their houses. 
• Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder- Commonly referred to as PTSD, this disorder normally occurs after a person suffered a traumatic event causing grave danger or physical harm. PTSD warning signs include angry outbursts, difficulty sleeping and constantly feeling “on edge.” 
• Social Anxiety Disorder- Also known as social phobia, this anxiety disorder causes people to experience an overwhelming feeling of self-consciousness during social situations. 

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Other Common Warning Signs of an Anxiety Disorder

Most people who suffer from an anxiety disorder have no control over their feelings of worry. What troubles many mental health professionals is most people who suffer from the disorders know they have a problem. Knowing they suffer from an anxiety disorder, the symptoms often become worse. The symptoms include constant muscle aches, headaches, unexplained pains and feeling tired all the time. Persistent symptoms often include excessive sweating and feeling light-headed or out of breath. Unfortunately, for many people, there is no relief from the symptoms without professional help. 
Treating Anxiety Disorders

Although successful treatment for anxiety disorders is individualized, there are several accepted approaches among mental health professionals that have proven effective over the years. The treatments include cognitive behavioral therapy, transcranial magnetic stimulation, medication and complementary and alternative treatment. Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy has proven highly effective. Using this treatment approach, doctors can identify and change a person’s thinking and behavior patterns. Treatment centers that offer CBT ensure their patients are actively involved in their own recovery. For more information about anxiety disorders, please click HERE.

charity · depression · help · men · mental health · stigma · suicide · support

Self-Harm

self-harm

This is a hard subject to approach and a hard one to write about… there is a lot of stigma behind this topic and also confusion. What exactly is self-harm?

For me I would sum it up as taking anything surrounding you good or bad and turning it against yourself to cause physical or emotional harm. Sometimes taking pleasure from the pain it brings, other times doing it as a form of self-punishment believing that it’s what you deserve.
It can often become an addiction and a coping mechanism for very difficult feelings.

For those who don’t understand why someone would turn to self-harm here are just a few reasons why it might appeal to someone or become a last resort…

  • express something that is hard to put into words
  • turn invisible thoughts or feelings into something visible
  • change emotional pain into physical pain
  • reduce overwhelming emotional feelings or thoughts
  • have a sense of being in control
  • escape traumatic memories
  • have something in life that they can rely on
  • punish yourself for your feelings and experiences
  • stop feeling numb, disconnected or dissociated
  • create a reason to physically care for themselves
  • express suicidal feelingsand thoughts without taking their own life.

 

Types of self-harm

I almost don’t want to list any as sometimes I feel like I’m listing to myself the only options I used to feel I had. I also feel reserved doing so as these are by no means good options and any release they bring I can guarantee they hold a lot more pain and hardship for you in the long run.
However here are just a few I can think of:

  • Alcohol or drug abuse
  • Cutting yourself or causing harm to oneself by punching/pinching etc.
  • Refusing to eat (starvation)
  • Burning yourself
  • Self-sabotage in friendships and relationships (on purposely pushing others away)
  • Promiscuous behaviour (with intent to replace other forms of self-harm or as a form of escape)

 

Addictiondownload (1)
Besides the obvious reasons self-harm is bad for you there is also a high risk of addiction, as these things may bring temporary release it’s something people can come to rely on so when in desperate need or in emotional turmoil they turn straight to self harm as some relief can be better than none. It’s almost like a distorted comfort blanket but any comfort self-harm brings you is a lie and only pushes you to devalue yourself and your life more and more.

 

Myths and facts about cutting and self-harm
Because cutting and other means of self-harm tend to be taboo subjects, the people around you—and possibly even you—may harbor serious misunderstandings about your motivations and state of mind. Don’t let these myths get in the way of getting help or helping someone you care about.
Myth: People who cut and self-injure are trying to get attention.

Fact: The painful truth is that people who self-harm generally harm themselves in secret. They aren’t trying to manipulate others or draw attention to themselves. In fact, shame and fear can make it very difficult to come forward and ask for help.

Myth: People who self-injure are crazy and/or dangerous.

Fact: It is true that many people who self-harm suffer from anxiety, depression, or a previous trauma—just like millions of others in the general population, but that doesn’t make them crazy or dangerous. Self-injury is how they cope. Sticking a label like “crazy” or “dangerous” on a person isn’t accurate or helpful.

Myth: People who self-injure want to die.

Fact: People who self-injure usually do not want to die. When they self-harm, they are not trying to kill themselves—they are trying to cope with their problems and pain. In fact, self-injury may be a way of helping themselves go on living. However, in the long-term, people who self-injure have a much higher risk of suicide, which is why it’s so important to seek help.

Myth: If the wounds aren’t bad, it’s not that serious.

Fact: The severity of a person’s wounds has very little to do with how much he or she may be suffering. Don’t assume that because the wounds or injuries are minor, there’s nothing to worry about.

Personal Experience and Recovery

Self-harm can enter peoples lives in a manner of different ways. For me I was a somewhat usual hyper child, however I do remember I could get carried away with my feelings and sometimes it would get me into trouble. One time I got told off for my behaviour and I suddenly felt this internal pain which was sharp and made it hard for me to breathe, by no means had I been yelled at or scolded but it felt like I might as well have been! Once I got home this feeling didn’t leave and I simply remember wondering if physical pain would counteract this strange overwhelming feeling, then without any real intent to harm myself I took a paper clip and one cut was all it took, the worse part of all it worked.

I do not want to overindulge in where it took me further into teenage years etc. but safe to say that self-harm (cutting myself) became an addiction of which caused temporary relief to what was a constant emotional roller-coaster. At roughly 16 I do remember stopping for a few years, but it soon came back as it was all I knew that helped, and with little concern for my body or well-being it branched out into many other forms of self harm into my early 20’s.
I stopped cutting again temporarily but turned to things such as drinking too much and other self destructive behaviour. With no value for myself or my life I wasn’t really bothered by the consequences, but my actions not only harmed myself but sometimes others also. Which in turn lead me down a whole other path of guilt and self-punishment pushing me ever so closer and closer to the edge.
In short self-harm simply gets you no where positive fast, if anything it pushes you further and further back into the darkness.

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Recovery
I am no authority on this whatsoever, and I wont lie professional help was at times often quite scarce but recovery started within (as cheesy as that sounds!) but choosing not to self-harm simply because it harmed my body and doing things like pampering myself and attempting to paint my nails or having a healthy dinner were acts of self-love which slowly rippled into my sense of well-being. Telling myself ‘I am worth more than the temporary release of self-harm’ or ‘I matter as a person’ and ‘This is not your fault’ became challenges I would daily try to repeat to myself in an attempt that if I continued to say then maybe eventually I would believe them?
Communication with others was a massive and scary step! The idea or dealing with rejection made me feel like I may be pushed over the edge and I was scared at times of what I might do if reacted to negatively.
Ultimately recovery is different for everyone though, some really need professional help, others the support of friends and family can be a life changer, but for me the final step or the big PUSH was a follow up sort of ‘damage control’ appointment after being hospitalised after an ‘episode’. It was only meant to be 30 mins but it carried on for over an hour and by the end of the session they turned around to me and said ‘thank you’, they mentioned my insight into my condition and self-awareness was incredibly eye opening and I was doing better than I thought. They even mentioned I could go on to help and educate others, this set alight something in me and by no means did I go home and suddenly get better but I was determined to work out how to tell people and help support others who felt the same as I did.

tumblr_static_self-loveIn group therapy I got a chance to meet others who did feel and think very similar to myself and that was the final straw! I refused to let myself and these wonderful people suffer in silence, condemned by our own thoughts, often house bound and sometimes criticised by others who had no idea of the daily battle within our minds.
So though I am still recovering in many ways on this journey when I say you are not alone I am not throwing a comfort blanket over your pain, I’m saying I see your pain, I hear your pain and I am telling you that you are NOT alone and you are worth far more than you can even comprehend. We all have fight in us just choose to fight for the right people and the right causes and most of all fight for yourself.

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