anxiety · bipolar · bpd · depression · help · mental health · paranoia · poetry · stigma

No love lost

Another strangers eyes breaks my gaze,
hands slip up my leg without a phase.
Another strangers lips touch mine,
as our bodies start to intertwine.
To bed I bring hope and chance,
As we go about our midnight dance.
Yet in the morning I feel guilt and shame,
This stranger only knows my name.
He has not even glimpsed within,
their interests go no deeper than skin.
Romanced myself into another dream,
Fuelled by the drink is currently the theme!
Arrived feeling lost, left feeling void,
not even angry, not even annoyed.
Why is the only question? Why I exclaim!?
Don’t I wait for a love which is mine to proclaim.

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anxiety · bpd · depression · help · stigma · support

Drinking again…

So it’s been nearly two whole months drinking alcohol again and it has been odd to say the least. The privilege of drinking again was quite underwhelming at first, whereas the idea of going out and drinking socially actually made me quite fearful in the sense I worried I would re-live some of the horrors from the previous years… that my drunken alter ego would raise its BPD head and shatter all the healing that had started to take place.

Luckily this has not overly been the case but it has been a challenge. I do not ‘self-medicate’ with alcohol but none the less the fact is it’s a depressant and on the nights or days I have drunken too much it can trigger memories and emotions which can become overwhelming that bit quicker. It’s been a tough few months on a personal level anyway, I often feel like a child again as I attempt to rebuild my life from what I had destroyed of it or who I had become from it. Capture 2

Even after my recent birthday I noticed I had become somewhat aware that some symptoms of my mental health were showing and proving to be worrying, which can happen around birthdays as from a young age when depression first took its grasp on me I wasn’t sure how many I would have in my future.

The temptation being in these moments of confusion and vulnerability to escape my feelings and I will hold my hands up I drank! But this time I did re-live the horror of my BPD, see alcohol or no alcohol when my BPD takes over it’s hard to define what is real and what is in my head, I describe it as my emotions being flames and they get so strong I feel as though I am being burnt alive.

So I didn’t see the warning signs! But I see where I may have gone wrong. Yes I fell down and I am embarrassed, ashamed and disappointed in myself (mostly because like many I’m my own worse critic) but the point being no matter how much or far we fall we can get back up, and until I start to stand again it’s good to remember drinking for whatever reason is not always the best idea, but surrounding yourself with those who care for you and being patient and kind with yourself is essential for moving forward.

As lets face it most if asked to answer honestly would admit they never really have it all together, so I for one am going to stop trying and just do the best I can.

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depression · grief · help · news · poetry · reading · support

Diagnosis

How cruel you are to sneak in now,

Leaving us with no time to even process how!?

To cut short our time with no courtesy or forewarning,

Leaving our hearts anxious and sad already aching and mourning.

You enter our lives with scarcely a trace,

Deadly yet silent until you expose your ugly face.

Stealing our last breath as you take one of your many forms,

Making us work desperately still searching for cures.

But just hearing your name consumes us with fear,

How much time do we have left, will they even survive the year?

Sometimes all we can do is beg and pray.

That you won’t take them from us, that they will be able to stay.

Too many lives have been claimed by you incapable to escape,

Here for what feels like just a moment, then gone without a trace.

Just know we are coming for you, we want our revenge!

For all the lives you’ve taken from us we will fight back and avenge.

But for those who have just heard your name and are filled with doubt and fright,

Do not fear, take courage as so many more are refusing to say their final goodnight.

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charity · depression · grief · news · poetry · reading · spoken word

Humanity

Whatever you believe did we not all arrive here the same?
Confused and frightened not even knowing our name.
Where ever you grew up did not three things remain?
Faith, hope and love before we truly knew pain.
Have you never lost someone you love?
In anguish looked up at the sky and argued with whatever could be above.
We’ve all known anger, fear and have been left feeling hurt,
One day on top of the world next left forgotten in the dirt.
Do we not even simply breathe the same air?
Managing as humans to discover something we can share.
In your chest does there not beat a heart?
One that yearns and aches and sometimes falls apart.
If you take it all away which surrounds us day by day,
Are we not pretty much the same yet unique in our own way?
If you knew my name, my life, my story…
Would you have a second thought before taking it all from me?
Does it not all seem silly this hatred and war?
Like children who never grew up we are always fighting to have more.
More money, more power, more influence and more fame,
to see what this world is coming to I only feel sadness and shame.
What a shame we take that anger and throw it in one another’s face,
Yet ignore the love that’s in our hearts which should bring us together as a human race.

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