anxiety · bipolar · bpd · depression · help · mental health · paranoia · poetry · stigma

No love lost

Another strangers eyes breaks my gaze,
hands slip up my leg without a phase.
Another strangers lips touch mine,
as our bodies start to intertwine.
To bed I bring hope and chance,
As we go about our midnight dance.
Yet in the morning I feel guilt and shame,
This stranger only knows my name.
He has not even glimpsed within,
their interests go no deeper than skin.
Romanced myself into another dream,
Fuelled by the drink is currently the theme!
Arrived feeling lost, left feeling void,
not even angry, not even annoyed.
Why is the only question? Why I exclaim!?
Don’t I wait for a love which is mine to proclaim.

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anxiety · bpd · depression · help · mental health · paranoia · stigma · suicide

Think before you speak!

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I have tried to be as subjective as possible in regards to a lot of the posts I write on here. Both considering those who are new to understanding mental health and those who are very educated and clued up on the matter, as well as being mindful of those who suffer.

However as a BPD (borderline personality disorder) sufferer I wanted to write a post entirely on what it is like experiencing relationships and friendships from my view or rather ‘our’ view (for those out there who also suffer from emotional unstable disorders). 

What inspired me to write this was going on to Google and typing in ‘how to communicate in relationships/friendships when you suffer from BPD?’ And the majority of results that came up were links stating things such as ‘Why BPD relationships are so tough’ or ‘How to love someone with BPD’.  All these links providing reasons why other non-sufferers struggle to be friends with ‘us’, or how it is hard on them to handle ‘us’, and why many break from their relationships or friendships due to the turbulence of the experience of being close to this said person with BPD.

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I must admit this does boil my blood a bit, and lets not now suggest that this reaction in itself is due to my ‘disorder’ and having a BIG reaction to something seemingly small.
No it makes me angry as the sufferer seems to be portrayed as some sort of villain. As the question is often put across as, ‘how does it make YOU feel that your partner has a mental health disorder?’ Or how it makes YOU feel that your mum has BPD or even your best friend?

Now I’m not attempting to take away from this importance in the slightest as it is important how this makes YOU feel, as the education you receive on the subject will help you better understand and know how to communicate and cope with the sufferer. But don’t be fooled to believe that this text book education or small insight tells you or even begins to touch on what it’s like in the head of that sufferer, and I can guarantee to you most of the time they want to spare you the description of that daily battle.

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So how about how it makes US feel? Having friends who expect too much of you emotionally? Or partners who leave you over a condition you cannot control? Or parents who look at you in those dark times as if they have no idea who is standing in front of them? How it feels having strangers call us attention seeking or mental?
Well I can tell you it’s not good that’s for sure!

How about why WE want to distance ourselves from friends who judge us? Who get angry at us? Who put unnecessary pressure on us? All again because of an illness that due to them not being able to see they therefore cannot seem to understand? 
Or why we don’t want to, or are scared to enter relationships? Because we fight this pain and negativity and self-criticism in our heads daily, and believe me we know and already feel guilty towards any pain it may cause you! We can see and feel it affecting you, but just as someone in a wheelchair cannot get up and walk we cannot just switch this off.

No reminder needs to be said of how hard it is for you, how difficult it is for you, how painful it is for you etc. etc. as we have already gone through all of that in our own heads, hence why so many stay silent.

So before you speak to someone with a mental health disorder THINK about your words as they often only confirm our scars, only validate our constant self-criticism and lack of self-worth and ultimately only push us closer to that edge.

Think before you speak to someone with BPD, THINK!!!
As it often does far more damage than you can even imagine.

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anxiety · depression · help · mental health · news · reading · stigma · support

Anxiety Disorders

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Warning Signs That Anxiety is a Disorder

Most people experience some form of anxiety in their lives. In most cases, anxiety is a normal human response to stressful situations. Periods of anxiety can help people suppress pain and often acts as a signal that danger is near. However, excessive anxiety can lead to an unhealthy response that turns into a disorder. 

For some people, anxiety interferes with their ability to function on a day-to-day basis. Daily routines that were once normal now feel like a heavy burden that takes an enormous amount of effort to complete. Excessive anxiety puts an immense amount of strain on a person’s body and some studies indicate it can lead to an increased risk of stroke, cardiac arrest, or heart disease. When struggle with anxiety, people suffer from emotional instability and an inability to form and maintain personal relationships. 

Anxiety Disorders- Signs of a Larger Problem

Clear cut evidence does not exist that shows why some people suffer from excessive anxiety. What mental health professionals do know is warning signs do exist that often signal a person’s excessive anxiety is, in fact, a disorder. The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services classifies five major types of anxiety disorders:

General Anxiety Disorder– Classified as chronic anxiety, the characteristics of this disorder include exaggerated worry and extreme tension with no clear reason provoking the anxiety. 
• Panic Disorder- People who suffer from panic disorders feel immediate and intense fear followed by physical ailments such as chest pain, excessive sweating and shortness of breath. 
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder– Known as OCD, the symptoms of this disorder include repetitive, unhealthy behaviors coupled with recurrent, unwanted thoughts. Many people who suffer from OCD will excessively wash their hands or clean their houses. 
• Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder- Commonly referred to as PTSD, this disorder normally occurs after a person suffered a traumatic event causing grave danger or physical harm. PTSD warning signs include angry outbursts, difficulty sleeping and constantly feeling “on edge.” 
• Social Anxiety Disorder- Also known as social phobia, this anxiety disorder causes people to experience an overwhelming feeling of self-consciousness during social situations. 

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Other Common Warning Signs of an Anxiety Disorder

Most people who suffer from an anxiety disorder have no control over their feelings of worry. What troubles many mental health professionals is most people who suffer from the disorders know they have a problem. Knowing they suffer from an anxiety disorder, the symptoms often become worse. The symptoms include constant muscle aches, headaches, unexplained pains and feeling tired all the time. Persistent symptoms often include excessive sweating and feeling light-headed or out of breath. Unfortunately, for many people, there is no relief from the symptoms without professional help. 
Treating Anxiety Disorders

Although successful treatment for anxiety disorders is individualized, there are several accepted approaches among mental health professionals that have proven effective over the years. The treatments include cognitive behavioral therapy, transcranial magnetic stimulation, medication and complementary and alternative treatment. Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy has proven highly effective. Using this treatment approach, doctors can identify and change a person’s thinking and behavior patterns. Treatment centers that offer CBT ensure their patients are actively involved in their own recovery. For more information about anxiety disorders, please click HERE.

depression · mental health · poetry

Help

Something is trying to kill me,

It doesn’t want me alive.

It fills me with confusion,

Burying a deep sadness down inside.

I wish I could describe this feeling without sounding insane.

About the battle going on within me,

Of the demon picking away at my brain.

If my life had any meaning he’s drained me of it somehow,

No space for any logic or reason, it’s too late for me now.

As while he has control of messing with my mind,

Though supportive suggestions are given to me

No peace will I find.

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depression · mental health · poetry

The Mess

Come back I plea I cry!
I fear I’ve lost a grasp of who I am.
With your presence near me so strong and bold,
I find myself upon the rubble of mess which is my mind.
No sense is made, no conclusions bought.
Don’t you see I am lost?
Wondering aimlessly the paths of no thoughts.
Questioning everything, but not patient enough to listen for the answer.
Like a child who first discovers the world is not such a kind place,
I feel like I’m discovering everything anew again.
Guide me, teach me…
To know how to sing that tune, the one that I forgot,
the one that makes me whole.
I fear I shall loose myself again as there is a hole in my heart,
I’m trying to fill it.
I know I’m looking, searching in all the wrong places.
But the world tricked my mind, it whispers in my ear and my heart is exhausted from my mindless decisions.
May I stop arguing ignorance, and just admit it.
My heart is a little bit broken.

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depression · mental health · poetry

Trigger Words

Each word you say cuts me like a knife!

Can you not see how sharp your words are?

Honesty and good intentions are lost in this pain,

Hit me if you must just please stop with these words!

You may feel lighter letting these words escape,

But your gain only comes at my loss.

Two steps forwards and these words have sent me so far back!

They bring no comfort only confirm my nightmares,

They bring no release only throw me back to the start line.

Please stop speaking and take a look,

Look at what your words have done to me.

But even your sharpest words cannot cut as deep,

For my own words have cut me to the core.

I know you mean well but please no more words.

Just no more words.

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